Saturday, December 11, 2010

When Straight Men Have Sex With Other Men (Continued)

To best understand these men, therapists and clients need to be able to differentiate four terms that are often confused; sexual identity and orientation; sexual preference; sexual fantasies; and sexual behaviour. Contrary to common usage, they aren't always in alignment. Sexual identity and orientation encompasses one's sexual and romantic identity, in which thoughts, fantasies, and behaviours work together in concert. It's the alignment of affections, romantic, psychological, spiritual and sexual feelings and desires for those of the same or opposite gender. Sexual orientation doesn't change over time.

One's sexual behaviors and preferences might change, but like one's temperament, one's orientation remains mostly stable. The term also refers to how someone self-identifies, not how others may categorise him or her. Some people self-identify as straight, while others self-identify as gay or lesbian, bisexual or questioning. Sexual preferences refer to sexual acts, positions, and erotic scenarios that someone prefers to have while engaging in sexual activity. The term takes into account what individuals like to to and get into sexually, not necessarily with whom they like to do it. Preferences and erotic interests can change over time, as one becomes more open or closed to certain thoughts and behaviors. 

Sexual fantasies are any thoughts that one finds arousing. They can encompass anything - sexual positions, romantic encounters, body parts, clothing and shoe fetishes, even rape. Sexual fantasies aren't necessarily acted out. In fact, in many cases, they aren't. Sexual behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one's sexual partner. It doesn't necessarily reflect one's orientation. For example, men whoa re imprisoned engage in sexual behaviors with other men, but do so out of sexual necessity, not because of erotic interest in another man. They desire the behavior and the sexual release it achieves, and the gender part of the partner is secondary. For straight men who have sex with men, same-sex encounters aren't about romance or sexual attraction and desire, but about sexual and physiological arousal - "getting off" with another who's male and accessible. They don't sexually desire or get aroused by looking at other men, only by the sexual act. But if they don't actively desire other men, how do they get to the point of having sex with men? These men typically want to bond with and get affection from other men. 

Their behaviour may reflect a desire to experiment, to engage in something that's taboo, or to express inner psychological conflicts involving their sexual feelings and desires that have nothing to do with having a gay or bisexual identity. Straight men who have sex with men do so for a variety of reasons. Some have been sexually abused are are compulsively reacting childhood sexual trauma by male perpetrators; some find sexual release with another man more accessible; some have sex with men because it's easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women; some are "gay for pay" and get financial rewards; some the like attention they receive from other men; and some like anal sex, which they're otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners.

23 comments:

  1. Great article. I am a straight guy who is very over sexed. If I can't bang a broad I do sometimes call a gay friend of mine and ask him to take care of it. He does. I am happy. He is happy. We are consenting adults and I have no problem with it.

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    1. I'm a "straight" guy too but absolutely enjoy getting off with another guy. It's very satisfying.

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    2. I'm straight too, and also oversexed. Sometimes I'll really get the urge while I'm driving as traffic and frustration. I take it out and start stroking making it very difficult to stop. Sometimes I'll pull into a parking lot, pull my pants and underwear completely down, and just fully jack off, shooting my load of seeds into a paper towel.

      Sometimes if there's an old bum around, I'll make sure I have enough privacy, and just jerk and cum right in front of him.

      At work the main guys are gone a lot just leaving me and my 81 year old co-worker making telemarketing calls, and the frustration that goes with it. He's caught me beating off, sitting in my chair many times. he's straight too, but also a dirty old man that'll say very arousing things things as I'm doing it. Today in fact, I stood up with my dick standing up in front of my desk, took my pants down completely and let him watch as I got weak in the knees with my mouth wide open shooting out a nice load of sperm onto a paper towel. He never says anything and never would. For me it's a partial antidote to all the stress and overkill of technology and let's me be the primal hairy animal I am in reality, under my clothes with no apologies. There's no way a woman could understand, which is understandable. Nature wants me to be making babies--most of the time it seems. I would never rape or attack a woman because of it, but I HAVE TO have an outlet for it. So far so good.

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    3. I agree with the guy who wrote on 4/9/13. Sometimes I also get the urge to jack off with traffic frustrastion and take care of it right then and there.

      I also agree with the 1/1/13 guy. Two straight men CAN get off watching each other get off. It's extremely arousing because it's sexual. If it's just watching, there's nothing "gay" about it!

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    4. Hey guys,

      I never was into guys until I trimmed my hairs down there and then holding my super hard cock got me so turned on I really wanted to try holding another guys. I'm 29 and a year ago met another straight guy(he lives with his girlfriend), and we hook up about every month.

      It's a great way to relieve stress and feels like something naughty and exciting; since I've banged so many girls in the past, the change is nice. Also, he gives me great head, and I heard that guys do it better and it seems to be true with him as well.

      At first it was just about getting naked and feeling cocks, but as we've hung out we've gone further and further and now we've sucked and fucked as well, and now we make out sometimes, too. But after, when he leaves, I'm not thinking about guys again at all. It just feels like two guys having some mutual sexual fun, not an intense, gay-type thing.

      Anyone else feel like this?

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    5. I got aroused just reading April 9-13 writer. But, I'm not straight, I'm bisexual more inclined to men, although in my daily life nobody knows that. I've never been married.
      I'm a manly guy who likes manly stuff: Sports, cars, etc. even men.

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  2. I am a gay man and I have had sexual encounters with some marriwd men.

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  3. I am 61 and have been involved with straight male for consensual sex for three years.He is a cross dresser which is a new experience. I find it fascinating.He recently moved out into his own place.His behavior changed and he has become dismissive.Why?

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  4. I had a relationship with a friend from high school that lasted for 35 yrs. We both had been married off an on during that period and loved each other as friends. I consider myself gay but he never had sex with another man ever. Nobody aside from the two of us ever knew about it and out of respect for him will also take it to my grave.

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  5. I'm just met an older man who has a wife and kids. The family knows I'm gay but don't know that he enjoys giving me a blow job now an then. Have been out with his wife and family and now have been included with there friends. Of course I wonder about some of ther other men in his group. Enjoy our time but know he's going to stay with his wife. Not thinking he's going to leave his like .It does make me look at all , and wonder

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  6. I consider myself straight and have had close to 80 female partners since I was 18, (i'm now 59), but I did have sex a few times in my twenties and early thirties with a younger man. I found that I prefered to be the submissive one, and luckily he prefered being on top.
    I've never been attracted to any other man I've met, and I had no romantic or any other kind of feelings but lust for my male lover. I also experienced no anal pleasure whatsoever, but I loved to be jerked off by him during sex. He was also straight, and sometimes indifferent to me, and I loved the humiliation of begging him for sex.
    These days, I occasionally browse gay escort sites, and I find I am turned on by cocks that point upwards when erect if they are not too thick and if the escort is handsome and athletic but not over muscular. My boyfriend was beautiful and a graceful dancer. I have contacted a few of these escorts over the years, but have not actually gone on to meeting any.
    I saw a new one last week and I spoke to him yesterday and said I would call on him soon. He is so handsome and his gorgeous cock so solid and vertical that I don't think I can resist him much longer. For me, it seems to be mainly about the cock.
    I've just remembered being alone in a communal shower when I was a student when a guy I knew suddenly came in naked. I'd known him for years, but the sight of his flaccid but large cock gave me an instant boner, and I hand to turn my back to him, grab my towel and leave hastily.
    I often wonder why some cocks arouse me so much.

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  7. i think the simple answer is the one we have had for a long time and that is that alot of people are bi-sexual...now in that catagory there are many many subsets of people. some men and women would under no circumstance have sex with the same sex and likewise with gay men and women for any reason...but many are somewhere in between..why are we reticent to call it what is is, bi-sexuality? especially if in that we recognize there are many differant ways to behave...i was very sexually active with woman in teens and early 20's,but romantically i was always in "puppy love" with men(as a kid)i always new i was gay. it was about romance,spiritual comfort. that is one reason it was so hard to hear people talk abouut choice and only for gays...str8's choose too,but don't want to be called on it..because it points to bi-sexuality. i would have a 3way with a man and a woman today,but not 2 woman which is a favorite str8 male fantasy. so circumstance and how we rock and roll i think has more to do with behavior. the other stuff is about what is ok with the society. men marry for all kinds of reason,many have little to do with sex.

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  8. i just posted but had another thought i think worth mentioning. i think many men who see themselves as str8,rather than bi do so because they are romantically attracted to women and the life of convention that goes with being married in the burbs etc...but are turned on by cock or the male body or a slender boyish type only in an animalistic sexual way. kissing possiblly and hand holding are not in the picture. they want sex or good oral(esp) which the wife isn't good at or does not like. i think that is very commom..but they want to be indentified as str8 not bi..still comes down to homophobia and our fear of fitting into social norms...yes?

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  9. the ancient greeks believed that true love was only between two males.
    i sometimes wonder if everyone has the ability to be bisexual but just chooses to explore those feelings or not to.
    and i also wonder if that is true or not.

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    1. I can assure you everyone is not bisexual. I have had beautiful girls in college try to seduce me several times. Out of fear of being called a "fag" I have played with boobs, which is kind of fun, fingered a vagina, which was repulsive, and kissed girls, which was VERY traumatic, for me! I hated all of that was uncomfortable and couldn't wait for it to be over. Then I kissed a boy and the gates of heaven literally opened to me. We kissed for two hours and I burst out of the closet. Some people would not fool around with the same sex under any circumstances, even in prison. Some people could be convinced usually after some beer. Beer has convinced two very straight macho guys to put the moves on me, and while flattering and enticing, I thought it might be foolish. Damn morals!

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  10. I'm 46 and am gay, though I have had sex with straight guys it is very much different from having sex with a gay guy. Straight guys have a particular perception of gay sex, almost like it is not real or can be labeled in the masturbation category. Don't get me wrong, it can be a fantastic fuck, but that is all it will ever be. I used to be a firm believer in bisexuality, but sex is too much of a reflection of society. Even if you were truly bisexual, would you be able to be truly believed? We as a society are to used to putting people in boxes and labeling them, being bisexual is too ambiguous.This is reflected in the sexual act itself. I have meet very few true bisexuals who are comfortable enough in themselves to be themselves (if that makes any sense to you!). Straight men having sex with men - are they really having sex with men, or are they mentally relegating their partner into the female category?

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    1. Interesting theory Hotmale. I think there is nothing wrong with labeling so long as we use them in the proper content. I mean a bird is not a cat and a cat is not a dog. How else would we be able to convey our point without? Still i understand your point. We are all human in the end and when labels are used to dehumanize it is simply ignorance. Now regarding your point? I agree not all bisexual people are labelled correctly. Some men just have sex with no true attraction towards the opposite sex and do so just for the kink of it or the something taboo. Now is that bisexuality or just someone who is straight but with no classification and if so then how do we refer to such an individual without a label?

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    2. You are correct Anonymous, there certainly are straight men who get off having sex with same sex play, I certainly wouldn't call them bisexual. I my mind the true definition of bisexuality is a person who has no distinction to the sex of the person he makes love to, for example I as a gay man have had sex with women, but only when I have true feelings for them - call it love if you will - Strange to say, but the fact that they are female, becomes irrelevant. It's the person I'm "making love" to not the sexual identity. But in this situation the love is very important, without it the act would be, for me, impossible. In other words i can make "love" to both sexes but only have "sex" with men. Does this make any sense to you? Does this make me bisexual, I think not. I think that you have to be able to make love and have sex with both sexes to be truly labeled bisexual.

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    3. Maybe yall can help me out. I know i am bay/Bi, i can have sex with women, however i couldn't be solely with women the restof my life but i can be with a man :). I am 45 and have known a friend of mine since he was 18 hes now 27. I love this man like a brother at the very least and want him in my life forever no matter what. I had never ever thought about him in a sexual way, because i well just didn't. He knows about my sexuality and we always joked and crap, well he was on probatin, failed a urine test, and well he was helping take care of his grand parents, cancer, heloing me out my back is messed up and hes young built like an ox, country redneck all american guy. So he spent 2 years not running from court but wanted to make sure everyone was ok before he went to court for probation violation. (there ya have a background).

      well we were inseparable as best friends brothers whatever very close. One night we got really messed up and well i was feeling bold. It was like 630 am and we were wide open still partying, and i said to him brotha i'm gonna slap some porn in the DVD and computer and prolly rub one out. if that bothers ya tv in the other room or ya can hang out and see whats up. He was like well humm anyway put it in got nekid and of course i was subtly encouraging him lol but he looked at me and said ya know what?, I never thought id sear myseld ask this but brotha do ya wanna suck my dick? i said sure, very casually. that was 3 years ago. Since that time we spent just about 98% of our time together, hiking traveling camping i mean being as close as two best friends possible. the last year and half or more i was sucking him daily or at least 3 times a week, and not just for one load, heck wed go for 1-12 hrs at a time up to 7 in 12 hrs. sometimes hed jack me off or wed make a game out of it, ni making out or kissing, some finger play my fingers, and tounge, , usually with porn (thank god for smart phones) LOL.

      he says he loves me more than anyone else and if he gets married no matter what his wife will have to take me as part of the package, (not that wed be doing anything i dont know), but you get the point i am always gonna be there. I feel the same way, I actually am in love with him and would like nothing more than for it to be the two of us, i mean Best Friends / Bros, what more could one ever ask ya know. hes doing his time he got 3 years for smoking a joint it sucks, he wasnt going to have a girlfriend before he went in he said 3 years ago because it wouldnt be fare to them and he didnt want to worry etc, however i talk to him every day, hes been inthere since feb 2013, so the date lines of us precedes Feb. I do as much as one can for him inJail, as i would have befoe we ever messed around when we were just best buds. but can anyone offer some advice and or insight,because as i said kinda on new ground here and no matter what hes the best person i know. sorry for going on indetail, kinda only way i could set the question. thanks guys Merry Christmas. Oh hes very sted fast in that he wont fuck me, but lets my fingers work some now and then when we get a really nice buzz ..

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    4. OOPS i forgot the question, ya think its just sex or attraction or what lol what /how do i proceede when he gets out and stuff?

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  11. I am reading these posts since I'm wondering why after fifty years being attracted to only women am I looking for sex with men? I like kissing, hugging, cuddling with men now.As well as oral sex. I browse websites looking for and finding men willing to have sex with me. This is suddenly okay with me. I'm ok with my newfound attraction.

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  12. I guess I'm a straight male. I have kids and I love women and have been with a lot. But I have always had sexual relations with other males ever since highschool. Sex with another man is very diffrent than with a woman.Somstimes I just am down to fuck a hot buddy in the ass. Its hot.

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  13. Frankly I think teen boys should be encouraged to experiment with other teen boys - guys are always horny, and girls don't want to have sex yet or risk getting pregnant. Also it would teach guys about their bodies, about control, and orgasm and what feels good and (generally) how to fuck. Then when they get older they can choose to have sex only with girls, or with guys or both. In my mind having sex with a guy as a teen doesn't turn you gay. Maybe there's be less homophobia.

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